THERE ARE A NUMBER OF predators cruising the net and back pages of screenwriting magazines who call themselves "script analysts." They'll rattle off a number of qualifications--various gigs at production companies, agencies and so-forth. They offer to read your script and provide helpful notes to make it more "saleable." Their fees range into the hundreds of dollars.

A variation on this scam is the "writing seminar" run by self proclaimed gurus (I actually fell for this one early on--if you want to read about it, click here.)

There is only one type of professional who could (and that is a very slim "could") help you along with your writing, and that is a professional (i.e. produced) screenwriter.

I know a lot of pros, and none of them (including myself) is going to take the time to help out a fledgling writer for a two or three-hundred dollar fee. The math is simple: A working screenwriter gets paid between a thousand and fifteen-thousand dollars per script-page. He or she would be silly to waste time writing critiques for pocket-change.

But they can (and many will) do it for free.

You see, most screenwriters I know had mentors--working writers that helped them hone their craft. In my case, I was fortunate enough to have several. None of these individuals charged me a nickel. Why? Because they had mentors, and the only way to pay those mentors back is by passing the gift they received on to others.

If you're lucky and have an ounce of talent and ingenuity--in other words, your work stands out as promising--you may become someone's prot�� How? Maybe through a class, maybe through blind correspondence. Mentors are, by no means, essential for development. But they are helpful. And it does wonders for your confidence when an established writer recognizes your talent.

Now, back to the "analysts."

Anyone who would charge money to read and critique a script is a scumbag. Period. No exceptions. They recognize how desperate people are to break into the industry and gorge themselves on the fruits of that desperation. They're bloated leeches who prey on the dreams and aspirations of others.

In short, inner-child abusers.

These are individuals who, by and large, have never written a complete draft of anything. The few that have are likely unsold and/or unproduced.

They will tell you that this is irrelevant, that you don't have to be Tiger Woods to teach someone a long drive. That's true. But it is also true that an individual who has never played a round--whose experience is limited to watching real golfers on ESPN--is likewise incapable of being an instructor. Think about it: If you can't train yourself, who can you train?

In other words, they are failures.

So if you want to learn how to fail, by all means, send them your money. Rest assured, they will provide notes that will make your scripts as good and as "saleable" as theirs are. As for me. I welcome friendly email, but do not, under any circumstances, send me an unsolicited manuscript. I don't have time to read and critique it.

I'm too busy writing.